wrenb | I Finally Did It; Mikvah Musings

I went to the mikvah last night. It was not scary at all. I'm really glad I went!

I didn't feel a huge rush of peace/spirituality/G-dliness, but I remember that the first few times I lit Shabbat candles it felt awkward too. Now when I light I feel a grear peace. I think that eventually I will feel that from mikvah too.

I spent about 45 minutes getting ready. It was the first time I've taken a bath at our new house. Next time I need to turn up the heat! The cats were very intrigued by this big tub of water, especially Phoebe who kept me company the whole time. I'd forgotten how nice it feels to wash my hair in the tub, with it all floating off of my head. Then I scrubbed and shaved and generally got squeaky clean.

My friend arrived just as I was putting my shoes on. She had volunteered to be my mikvah lady and help out. We drove over to the Chabad rebbetzin's house. The mikvah door was snowed over, so we had to traipse through the house. Once the rebbetzin had us safely locked into the mikvah rooms (a bathroom and then the room with the mikvah) my friend looked through the prayers in one room while I got undressed in the other. She was really great, working through the discomfort of "My friend is in this tub right here with no clothes on and no bubbles and I have to help her with the blessings but I really don't want to see her naked". She held up a towel as a screen the whole time (I thought I was perfectly decent underwater).

I dunked once as practice, and noticed that my legs float a lot more than I expected. I was going for a fetal position and ended up in a dead man's float. Ah well. Three dunks with appropriate prayers, and I was done! Next time I think I'll go alone, and spend more time on the second immersion talking to G-d. When I pray free-form like that, I like to talk outloud. I wasn't comfortable doing that with another person in the room, let alone my dear friend who is also having fertility problems.

Got out of the tub, dried off and dressed, and we were out of there. I was spiritually clean now as well as physically. Even this morning I catch a whiff of holiness when I move my head -- who knew that holiness smells like chlorine?!

It was a good experience, and now that I've overcome my fear and questioning, I'm ready to do it again. I'd like it if I didn't have to go next month (ergo I would be pregnant) but if I do, I'll go happily.